Part One: The Warning Signs
Ashes to Ashes
Sure I saw the signs. There were plenty of them. In retrospect, I guess I should have paid more attention to them, but at the time, I guess I didn't want to. The first time Myron showed signs of extremely abusive behaviour I should have turned around and run. For some reason, though, I chose to stay. Maybe I thought it wouldn't happen again. Maybe I saw all the pain in his eyes and thought I could help him. Maybe I thoughtI could change him.The truth is I don't really know what I thought. All I knew at that time in my life was that I loved him. I really believed I did. And finally, after 18 years of feeling alone and unloved and possibly unlovable, I had finally found someone who loved me back. Somehow, just knowing that he loved me, allowed me to overlook the little things he did that hurt me, and make excuses for the bigger things.
Believing he loved me also allowed me the ability to make up stories about some of the more severe things he did to me. The illusion of our love let me to look my Dad straight in the eye and lie to him like I've never done before. "No, Dad, Myron didn't hurt me. I really was in a car accident." True. I was in a car accident, but there was so much more to that story.
For some reason, I so ached to be loved that I didn't walk away the very first time Myron ever hurt me. That first time could very well have been the worst thing he's ever done. It was by far, the cruelest. When I look back on it now, it's as if it was a dream.
The nightmare is now over, but the awful memories remain. That event is forever etched in my mind. What he did to me that night left physical and emotional scars so deep that even seven years of counseling have only begun to heal. If only I had walked away.
If only...
If only...
But I did not. I did not walk away. Instead, I simply lay there. I pretended it wasn't happening to me. Somehow I convinced my self that he wasn't really doing those awful things to my body. I convinced myself the pain down there wasn't real. But it was real. And it was happening tome. And it was painful! So terribly painful.The cigarette he was holding seemed so far away. As I looked down past my breasts and over my tummy, down to where the searing pain originated I could see the ember of his cigarette. Although I could scarcely believe it, all my senses were telling me that the man I loved was burning me. His slowly smoldering cigarette was the source of the pain between my legs.
When he attempted to but out his smoke down there the first time, the pain was excruciating. I closed my eyes and held my breath, hoping the hurt would go away.
Praying I would somehow be lifted up and away from this agonizing situation. I kept my eyes closed and didn't take a breath until the pain had finally started to subside.When at last Myron had taken the hot cigarette off of my smoldering flesh, I opened my eyes and began to breathe again. Thank God it was over. Now I could get my things and go home. I would never ever come back here as long as I lived. I promised my self that.
I tried to get up, so sure that I was going to get my stuff and get out of there just as quickly as my legs could take me. I scarcely had time to gather my strength to get up off of that cold concrete floor when yet another piercing pain attacked me down there. I was frozen again, unable to move. Once again I held my breath. So tightly I closed my eyes. And as hard as I wished, nothing could remove me from the searing pain I felt between my legs.I could vaguely hear Myron talking to me, though I could hardly make out the words. All his mumbled breath sounded like the gravelly voice of some long feared fairy tale monster. "…that'll teach you bitch…" I thought I heard.
And then he continued "…so you think you'regonna fuck with me eh, Lor….".
Again I held my breath and kept my eyelids shut tight until the pain had started to subside.Yet again I resolved that as soon as I was able I was going to run out of there and away just as quickly as I could. I managed to get up off the floor somewhat and made a move for my pants. What met me after that was a heavy strong arm across my chest.
"Where the fuck you think you're goin' Lor? Don't ya like it when I do that? You like it Lor, I know ya do." I was mortified.
Speechless.
Of course I didn't like it. He was burning me. It was painful. What kind of monster was this man? And why wasn't he letting me go?I tried to speak, but the words would not come. Instead, only tears streamed down my frightened face. “You’re not going anywhere bitch! I'm not done with you yet!" he growled as he picked his cigarette up off the concrete. Once more the searing pain between my legs.
Once more, I held my breath and tightly closed my eyes. Once more, I prayed and prayed for something to please take me away from this terrible situation and this horrifying man. Once more I lay there motionless until he took the burning ember away from my tender skin.
Again I tried carefully to get up. Again he shoved me back on to the concrete with a fortuitous push of his powerful fore arm. Again he spoke to me "You're leavin' babe? Don't ya like it when I do that?" This time I found my voice. "Why are you doing this? Myron, you're hurting me" I squeaked through my sobs.I'm not sure if he heard me or not. The sudden sound of someone opening the basement door was enough to make him drop his cigarette. Thank God! I was free.My utter relief that this nightmare was finally over quickly overshadowed any embarrassment I might have felt about being more than half naked in front of Myron's Grandma. As fast as I could I slipped my pants on and reached for my purse as I ran out the door.
I was in such a hurry to get out of the basement that I dropped my purse. I watched the contents of my bag fall to the floor as if in slow motion. But I did not stop to pick up the mess. I continued on my way.
Running.
Running.
Running as fast as I could until I was finally away from that horrible place. I didn't stop running until Myron's grandma's house was no longer in sight.
Even then I ran, though not so quickly the rest of the way to my Grandma’s house. Thankfully my Grandma and Grandpa were still asleep when I arrived. I don't know how I would have explained my state to them. I don't know what my Grandpa would have done.Quietly, I walked down the backstairs to my suite. Slowly, ever so carefully I opened the creaky door to my apartment so as not to wake my sleeping brother.Quietly I tiptoed past my brother Shawn lying peacefully on the couch. I crept past the TV and turned it off then continued to my room. Once inside my room, I knew I was safe. Finally I let the tears fall down my cheek.
These were not only tears of pain, but also tears of confusion, and sadness and shame. I wanted to get undressed, but instead I sat down carefully on the edge of the bed. The pain was almost unbearable still. Somehow I managed to get under my covers. Curled up in a ball, I gently rocked myself to sleep. Tears soaked my pillow as Idrifted off into a restless but safe slumber.
Sure I saw the signs. There were plenty of them. In retrospect, I guess I should have paid more attention to them, but at the time, I guess I didn't want to. The first time Myron showed signs of extremely abusive behaviour I should have turned around and run. For some reason, though, I chose to stay. Maybe I thought it wouldn't happen again. Maybe I saw all the pain in his eyes and thought I could help him. Maybe I thoughtI could change him.The truth is I don't really know what I thought. All I knew at that time in my life was that I loved him. I really believed I did. And finally, after 18 years of feeling alone and unloved and possibly unlovable, I had finally found someone who loved me back. Somehow, just knowing that he loved me, allowed me to overlook the little things he did that hurt me, and make excuses for the bigger things.
Believing he loved me also allowed me the ability to make up stories about some of the more severe things he did to me. The illusion of our love let me to look my Dad straight in the eye and lie to him like I've never done before. "No, Dad, Myron didn't hurt me. I really was in a car accident." True. I was in a car accident, but there was so much more to that story.
For some reason, I so ached to be loved that I didn't walk away the very first time Myron ever hurt me. That first time could very well have been the worst thing he's ever done. It was by far, the cruelest. When I look back on it now, it's as if it was a dream.
The nightmare is now over, but the awful memories remain. That event is forever etched in my mind. What he did to me that night left physical and emotional scars so deep that even seven years of counseling have only begun to heal. If only I had walked away.
If only...
If only...
But I did not. I did not walk away. Instead, I simply lay there. I pretended it wasn't happening to me. Somehow I convinced my self that he wasn't really doing those awful things to my body. I convinced myself the pain down there wasn't real. But it was real. And it was happening tome. And it was painful! So terribly painful.The cigarette he was holding seemed so far away. As I looked down past my breasts and over my tummy, down to where the searing pain originated I could see the ember of his cigarette. Although I could scarcely believe it, all my senses were telling me that the man I loved was burning me. His slowly smoldering cigarette was the source of the pain between my legs.
When he attempted to but out his smoke down there the first time, the pain was excruciating. I closed my eyes and held my breath, hoping the hurt would go away.
Praying I would somehow be lifted up and away from this agonizing situation. I kept my eyes closed and didn't take a breath until the pain had finally started to subside.When at last Myron had taken the hot cigarette off of my smoldering flesh, I opened my eyes and began to breathe again. Thank God it was over. Now I could get my things and go home. I would never ever come back here as long as I lived. I promised my self that.
I tried to get up, so sure that I was going to get my stuff and get out of there just as quickly as my legs could take me. I scarcely had time to gather my strength to get up off of that cold concrete floor when yet another piercing pain attacked me down there. I was frozen again, unable to move. Once again I held my breath. So tightly I closed my eyes. And as hard as I wished, nothing could remove me from the searing pain I felt between my legs.I could vaguely hear Myron talking to me, though I could hardly make out the words. All his mumbled breath sounded like the gravelly voice of some long feared fairy tale monster. "…that'll teach you bitch…" I thought I heard.
And then he continued "…so you think you'regonna fuck with me eh, Lor….".
Again I held my breath and kept my eyelids shut tight until the pain had started to subside.Yet again I resolved that as soon as I was able I was going to run out of there and away just as quickly as I could. I managed to get up off the floor somewhat and made a move for my pants. What met me after that was a heavy strong arm across my chest.
"Where the fuck you think you're goin' Lor? Don't ya like it when I do that? You like it Lor, I know ya do." I was mortified.
Speechless.
Of course I didn't like it. He was burning me. It was painful. What kind of monster was this man? And why wasn't he letting me go?I tried to speak, but the words would not come. Instead, only tears streamed down my frightened face. “You’re not going anywhere bitch! I'm not done with you yet!" he growled as he picked his cigarette up off the concrete. Once more the searing pain between my legs.
Once more, I held my breath and tightly closed my eyes. Once more, I prayed and prayed for something to please take me away from this terrible situation and this horrifying man. Once more I lay there motionless until he took the burning ember away from my tender skin.
Again I tried carefully to get up. Again he shoved me back on to the concrete with a fortuitous push of his powerful fore arm. Again he spoke to me "You're leavin' babe? Don't ya like it when I do that?" This time I found my voice. "Why are you doing this? Myron, you're hurting me" I squeaked through my sobs.I'm not sure if he heard me or not. The sudden sound of someone opening the basement door was enough to make him drop his cigarette. Thank God! I was free.My utter relief that this nightmare was finally over quickly overshadowed any embarrassment I might have felt about being more than half naked in front of Myron's Grandma. As fast as I could I slipped my pants on and reached for my purse as I ran out the door.
I was in such a hurry to get out of the basement that I dropped my purse. I watched the contents of my bag fall to the floor as if in slow motion. But I did not stop to pick up the mess. I continued on my way.
Running.
Running.
Running as fast as I could until I was finally away from that horrible place. I didn't stop running until Myron's grandma's house was no longer in sight.
Even then I ran, though not so quickly the rest of the way to my Grandma’s house. Thankfully my Grandma and Grandpa were still asleep when I arrived. I don't know how I would have explained my state to them. I don't know what my Grandpa would have done.Quietly, I walked down the backstairs to my suite. Slowly, ever so carefully I opened the creaky door to my apartment so as not to wake my sleeping brother.Quietly I tiptoed past my brother Shawn lying peacefully on the couch. I crept past the TV and turned it off then continued to my room. Once inside my room, I knew I was safe. Finally I let the tears fall down my cheek.
These were not only tears of pain, but also tears of confusion, and sadness and shame. I wanted to get undressed, but instead I sat down carefully on the edge of the bed. The pain was almost unbearable still. Somehow I managed to get under my covers. Curled up in a ball, I gently rocked myself to sleep. Tears soaked my pillow as Idrifted off into a restless but safe slumber.
posted by Lori-Anne | 9:38 PM
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